My insecurities have taken a hold on me. Always thinking I’m not good enough. Always thinking I don’t deserve it. Always thinking I’m worthless. This flaw has kept me from the world, from having real and honest personal relationships with people, and especially from myself. Disguising my insecurities with jokes, laughter and a strong face, you can fool almost anyone. I thought that by masking it from everyone, I can mask it from myself. Walking with my chin up and with confidence with the idea that if people can be deceived by it, so can I. In reality however, I can’t conceal who I am to myself. I tend to bury it in all hopes that it stays forever hidden. Yet, it emerges in other forms in my life. I’m always fearful of someone getting too close and too personal. Afraid that one day they too will realize what I have always known to be, that that I am not good enough, that I am worthless, that I don’t deserve their time. I always found myself pulling away as soon I feel the person getting near. I have always been afraid of disappointing others. I fear that by doings so proves that I once again am not good enough and worthless. I hate having to lie to myself. I present myself as this confident and secure person but on the inside I’m quite the opposite. When the time comes for me to prove my assured self to the world, I tend to fall short. I find myself running away. I let people in but as soon as I get scared, I run away or I allow them to leave. In one way and out the other. I get frightened to fight for them and for myself. Petrified to fight for them to stay and not leave. I can no longer tolerate this flaw in my life. Time to let it all go. Now I have finally succumbed to the truth. I can’t be honest to others unless I’m honest to myself. I can’t befriend others unless I befriend myself. I can’t love others unless I love myself. I shouldn’t be afraid of letting people in. I must learn to fight for myself and for my relationship with others. No, not everyone will like me, but as long I like me, alls well. Disappointments are part of life and I shouldn’t be afraid of it. I should be grateful to those who stay in spite of the disappointment. That reveals who your true friends are. I can’t make everyone happy and that I will fall short. Nobody’s perfect. As long as I know that I did everything in my power, that’s all that matters. I must learn to fight for myself and for my relationship with others. That I AM good enough, that I DO deserve it, and that I AM worth something. I am me. I AM loved inspite of my flaws. 

"Real friends are the ones you can ALWAYS depend on"

We have all known and come to love that old cliché. On the contrary, how would you like to be the one someone ALWAYS depended on? Or to be the one who always needs someone to depend on? Everyone has this notion that true friends will CONSATNTLY give you their time when you need it most. Truth of the matter is a friend is only human. They too have their own things to deal with. The fact on depending on someone continuously is irrational on both parts. Neither side will be happy or content. For example, parents at some point or another must learn to force their children out of their house. It’s hard for the parents but they know that it’s for the benefit of their children. The children won’t learn about the hardships of life if they continue to live there. In addition, it wouldn’t be reasonable for the parents to continue to provide for their children for the rest of their lives. Children must learn to be able to rely on themselves and be able to stand on their own two feet. Same applies in friendship. One must learn to be self-reliant and the other must learn to guide their friend to independence. You can’t always cast your burden on someone and you also can’t keep carrying someone else’s burden. Don’t get me wrong. The clichés “Friends are there to pick you up when you’re down” and “cheer you up when you’re sad” are all true but when it comes to carrying someone one your back, that’s entirely different. Truthfully, this will only lead to endless misery. It’s like riding a bike [Which is ironic due to the fact that I can’t ride one] The training wheels must come off or you’ll never learn. So how bout this:

“Real friends don’t allow you to depend on them, real friends teach you to be self-reliant”

And well, if you still need someone to always rely on… depend on the only one you can. The One who you can call a true friend. God.

"I removed the burden from their shoulders; their hands were set free…”

Psalm 81:6

huya! Having a blast here in pinas. Ima cry so hard wen i leave here. Ima miss my family. prolly gona ba another 6 years befor i get to come back.  Im at an internet cafe rite now. Sori guys...no pasolubong.... im incredibly broke [lol] i guess ill see u all wen i get back. Mishu all! i kno u guyZz miss me too [haha]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!